This subject has been addressed in a few ways lately, but I figure I can put in something that happened to me tonight that just really got my goat.
Tonight was my best friend's graduation party. Towards the end of the night, I go downstairs with him to the mini bar he's got where his father is bartending and take the necessary vodka shot with spicy hors d'oeuvres (his family is Russian) when a family friend of his parents decides to give him some life advice. My Russian is not great, but despite not speaking much, I can understand most conversational Russian. At some point in the conversation, family friend says to Ivan (my friend) that he was in for some big decisions and that he should just take it one day at a time, because life gets complicated with women and relationships. He went on to say that Ivan will have to decide whether he wanted kids one day, and that if he didn't, he had to wait to see if he changed his mind.
I laughed at the bit about women with a nod, and family friend switches to English saying "It will be even harder for you. Don't have children before you're ready." I respond that I don't plan on having children. In fact, I plan on NOT having children. He looked at me and said I would change my mind, perhaps, by the time I got to be thirty. I said that if I ever changed my mind, I could always adopt. This was, apparently, not the right thing to say, because it then became a lecture about how there is no bond like a biological parent and their child. I said as diplomatically as I could that I didn't think that was true at all, and that I was adopted. I said that knowing that fact growing up meant the world to me because it meant my parents really wanted me by that time. He insisted that it was nice, but that it was still somehow inferior to having biological parents, or being a biological parent. I had to take another shot to avoid saying something really regrettable.
Family friend then proceeded to ask me why I thought what I did, and I gave the usual spiel I give about why I don't want children, and that the fact that I don't want children means I really shouldn't have any. We got into some (rather one-sided) discussion about how Russian and Chinese culture are family oriented, so maybe I was just not as tied to my roots. I said again that despite not feeling Hong Kongese or Chinese as much as American, my mother's side of the family is pretty traditional Chinese, so his argument didn't really hold water. He then told me that because I keep mentioning the fact I was adopted, I'm uncomfortable with not having biological parents and I secretly dislike myself for it.
My offended levels were almost off the charts, so as a parting blow, family friend says "Well, when you get to be 46 like I am, you'll look at it differently. But you're just a young thing at 22, so you can enjoy your life without responsibilities for a while."
I'm still fuming, but I held my tongue pretty well. Ivan is more than my best friend, he's more like my brother (in fact, we both call each other long-lost siblings). I REALLY didn't want to make an ass of myself in front of his family. So I sort of settled for abruptly leaving, but it was better than what I really wish I could have said.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
Tonight was my best friend's graduation party. Towards the end of the night, I go downstairs with him to the mini bar he's got where his father is bartending and take the necessary vodka shot with spicy hors d'oeuvres (his family is Russian) when a family friend of his parents decides to give him some life advice. My Russian is not great, but despite not speaking much, I can understand most conversational Russian. At some point in the conversation, family friend says to Ivan (my friend) that he was in for some big decisions and that he should just take it one day at a time, because life gets complicated with women and relationships. He went on to say that Ivan will have to decide whether he wanted kids one day, and that if he didn't, he had to wait to see if he changed his mind.
I laughed at the bit about women with a nod, and family friend switches to English saying "It will be even harder for you. Don't have children before you're ready." I respond that I don't plan on having children. In fact, I plan on NOT having children. He looked at me and said I would change my mind, perhaps, by the time I got to be thirty. I said that if I ever changed my mind, I could always adopt. This was, apparently, not the right thing to say, because it then became a lecture about how there is no bond like a biological parent and their child. I said as diplomatically as I could that I didn't think that was true at all, and that I was adopted. I said that knowing that fact growing up meant the world to me because it meant my parents really wanted me by that time. He insisted that it was nice, but that it was still somehow inferior to having biological parents, or being a biological parent. I had to take another shot to avoid saying something really regrettable.
Family friend then proceeded to ask me why I thought what I did, and I gave the usual spiel I give about why I don't want children, and that the fact that I don't want children means I really shouldn't have any. We got into some (rather one-sided) discussion about how Russian and Chinese culture are family oriented, so maybe I was just not as tied to my roots. I said again that despite not feeling Hong Kongese or Chinese as much as American, my mother's side of the family is pretty traditional Chinese, so his argument didn't really hold water. He then told me that because I keep mentioning the fact I was adopted, I'm uncomfortable with not having biological parents and I secretly dislike myself for it.
My offended levels were almost off the charts, so as a parting blow, family friend says "Well, when you get to be 46 like I am, you'll look at it differently. But you're just a young thing at 22, so you can enjoy your life without responsibilities for a while."
I'm still fuming, but I held my tongue pretty well. Ivan is more than my best friend, he's more like my brother (in fact, we both call each other long-lost siblings). I REALLY didn't want to make an ass of myself in front of his family. So I sort of settled for abruptly leaving, but it was better than what I really wish I could have said.
Hello! First time posting to this community, but I've been following along for a bit. I've seen quite a few posts about the thought processes of those of us who are child free, and it got me thinking. I have a friend who had a miscarriage a few years ago, and it devestated her, but she's moving on now and thinking of her future and having kids. Luckily, she's completely accepting of my mindset, and promises that if she ever does get pregnent she'll stay away until the crazy is done.
But the thing is, and what prompted this post, is that I literally cannot fathom the desire to have kids. It just doesn't register for me. The very thought of having a kid is repulsive. The idea of a parasite living inside of me for 9 months brings only the image of Alien to mind. But I know there are some people, like my friend, who really want a child and like the idea of growing the little monster inside of them. It makes them go all... weird.
I just... I don't know how to explain this better, but it's like my very genetic code is geared towards not wanting kids, whereas other people are wired to want lots of babies. Does anyone else have this disconnect? I don't mean just a desire to not have kids, but a bone deep repulsion and a very real confusion as to why anyone would want to go through that?
My mom and I have talked about this before, and whereas she sees a pregnant woman and thinks it's lovely, I see a crazy woman waiting to explode. She thinks it's the most amazing thing in the world, and I'm honestly grossed out and confused as to why anyone would do that themselves.
If there is something in me that's hardwired differnetly, it would certainly explain why some people just don't understand why I don't want children, the same way I can't understand why they would.
But the thing is, and what prompted this post, is that I literally cannot fathom the desire to have kids. It just doesn't register for me. The very thought of having a kid is repulsive. The idea of a parasite living inside of me for 9 months brings only the image of Alien to mind. But I know there are some people, like my friend, who really want a child and like the idea of growing the little monster inside of them. It makes them go all... weird.
I just... I don't know how to explain this better, but it's like my very genetic code is geared towards not wanting kids, whereas other people are wired to want lots of babies. Does anyone else have this disconnect? I don't mean just a desire to not have kids, but a bone deep repulsion and a very real confusion as to why anyone would want to go through that?
My mom and I have talked about this before, and whereas she sees a pregnant woman and thinks it's lovely, I see a crazy woman waiting to explode. She thinks it's the most amazing thing in the world, and I'm honestly grossed out and confused as to why anyone would do that themselves.
If there is something in me that's hardwired differnetly, it would certainly explain why some people just don't understand why I don't want children, the same way I can't understand why they would.
Some people just know that they were not meant to have children. Some, like me, have always known it. Others come to that realization later in life - sadly, too many realize it after they have already had children.
I'd love to make a t-shirt some day with this printed on it:
1. I do not want children.
2. This does not mean I hate children.
3. This does not mean that YOU should not have children.
4. This does not mean that my parents were horrible parents; in fact, they were wonderful.
5. I am not being selfish - I am being self-aware.
6. I also do not want a horse. Would you insist that I get one?
7. I am not hurting anyone with this decision.
8. You are no better nor worse than I for making a different choice.
9. I am not sad, resentful, or disappointed over my decision. Why are you?
10. I will not regret this decision in the future. Can you say the same?
I'd love to make a t-shirt some day with this printed on it:
1. I do not want children.
2. This does not mean I hate children.
3. This does not mean that YOU should not have children.
4. This does not mean that my parents were horrible parents; in fact, they were wonderful.
5. I am not being selfish - I am being self-aware.
6. I also do not want a horse. Would you insist that I get one?
7. I am not hurting anyone with this decision.
8. You are no better nor worse than I for making a different choice.
9. I am not sad, resentful, or disappointed over my decision. Why are you?
10. I will not regret this decision in the future. Can you say the same?
( A few weeks ago, someone in my friends list posted their own mini-rant when this community came up for spotlight. )
( Following is my response to help them understand, so I figured it worth sharing here. )
In conclusion, how many people have created families that they were psychologically ill-equipped to handle, yet accepted this burden because it was expected of them? I'll bet the number runs into the millions. Just like a military family expects their kids to "follow in their footsteps", I sense a very heavy cultural burden that is so deeply ingrained into our national psyche...even if it's not in our best interests. It is a burden we, the childfree, neither asked for nor desire, and wholesale reject.
By rejecting these burdens, it establishes a pattern to pick and choose to accept or reject all the other cultural burdens that are placed upon us as well. And so we are free not just of children, but of all the other pressures and expectations that go along with it.
Seriously WTF. The stupid -- it burns.
Foolish Father: Dumb dad puts baby in washing machine and turns it on
( Surveillance video )
Foolish Father: Dumb dad puts baby in washing machine and turns it on
(WOIO) - 19 Action News has disturbing video of a dad putting his toddler into a washing machine.
It started off as a joke -- but in the end -- no one was laughing.
Dad was obviously goofing around and thought it would be funny to put his toddler in a machine and close the door. But then door locked and the washing cycle started with the child inside.
He then realizes the machine is on and his son is getting tossed around.
Dad realizes his mistake and tries to get him out and when mom sees what happening they both try to pry open the door.
Their screams draw the attention of other customers and they still, they can't get it open.
Mom eventually runs for help and the attendant hustles behind the machine, and pulls the plug.
( Surveillance video )
Hiiiii all. I thought I'd never have a horror story to post here, but here we go.
I was just out shopping with my boyfriend's mother (K) and sister (B), and as we were getting out of the car, B piped up, "Did you know (boyfriend) said he never wants to have kids?"
And I said yeah, I knew, and she asked how I felt about that, and I said I was totally okay with it and that I definitely didn't want children either, and all the while I was kind of mortified because this subject hadn't come up before.
It got worse, though, because then K told me I'd given the wrong answer. Apparently, my choice was incorrect because I "need to give her grandchildren".
And how long have I been with her son, you may wonder? Why, a grand total of four months, of course.
I was just out shopping with my boyfriend's mother (K) and sister (B), and as we were getting out of the car, B piped up, "Did you know (boyfriend) said he never wants to have kids?"
And I said yeah, I knew, and she asked how I felt about that, and I said I was totally okay with it and that I definitely didn't want children either, and all the while I was kind of mortified because this subject hadn't come up before.
It got worse, though, because then K told me I'd given the wrong answer. Apparently, my choice was incorrect because I "need to give her grandchildren".
And how long have I been with her son, you may wonder? Why, a grand total of four months, of course.
- Mood:jesus tittyfucking christ
My little sister rescued a baby bird and I was proud of her that she was going to take care of it and feed it carefully. I told her I would go find a wildlife organization for it and she can take care of it until someone's ready to take the bird in (and given that it's Sunday, most of those places are closed). She seemed indifferent until she went talking to Mom about what I said, and then it turned out that Mom agreed with me. Mom's reasons were mostly practical (could have diseases, it needs special care, etc) and mine were mostly ethical (it's not a pet, it's wild)*. Either way the little guy needs care that I wouldn't put to an 11 year old.
She's been hysterical ever since. Perhaps she was thinking Mom would say yes, and it would be the case of going to Dad because Mom said no. We can't really reason with her, but she's been pretty upset.
I can sort of understand that. I would probably be bawlin' too if I was 11 and I don't think I could have a kid and be equipped to handle a situation like that, where they are sad and you don't know a constructive way to diffuse the anxiety and depression and hysteria. I don't think Mom could handle it either, but I noticed I've been particularly cold/indifferent and mostly logical in the approach. I could empathize on why she's sad, but I can't tell her what she wants to hear.
As an off note I did take pictures of the little bugger. Hell of a cute thing. I can't say I wouldn't want a bird and that I wouldn't want to keep it myself but I know part of making adult decisions is that you do the things that you have to do, not that you want to do. I wish this was easier for children but it's not, and the grief is something I can't make go away. I don't want to make her sad about it. :/
* By the way, is it even legal to keep a wild animal? My gut says no and even if it was I know they need specialized care like pre-chewed food and such. Also does anyone know what the bird could possibly be? I live in New Hampshire and we have birds like finches, sparrows, robins and all that. Right now it just looks vaguely brown and it chirps instead of peeps.
She's been hysterical ever since. Perhaps she was thinking Mom would say yes, and it would be the case of going to Dad because Mom said no. We can't really reason with her, but she's been pretty upset.
I can sort of understand that. I would probably be bawlin' too if I was 11 and I don't think I could have a kid and be equipped to handle a situation like that, where they are sad and you don't know a constructive way to diffuse the anxiety and depression and hysteria. I don't think Mom could handle it either, but I noticed I've been particularly cold/indifferent and mostly logical in the approach. I could empathize on why she's sad, but I can't tell her what she wants to hear.
As an off note I did take pictures of the little bugger. Hell of a cute thing. I can't say I wouldn't want a bird and that I wouldn't want to keep it myself but I know part of making adult decisions is that you do the things that you have to do, not that you want to do. I wish this was easier for children but it's not, and the grief is something I can't make go away. I don't want to make her sad about it. :/
* By the way, is it even legal to keep a wild animal? My gut says no and even if it was I know they need specialized care like pre-chewed food and such. Also does anyone know what the bird could possibly be? I live in New Hampshire and we have birds like finches, sparrows, robins and all that. Right now it just looks vaguely brown and it chirps instead of peeps.
Baby poop is still poop! Repeat after me, folks, baby poop is still poop! Whew, sorry, had to get that off my chest because of what happened last night....
So I attended my niece's "Full-moon dinner" yesterday. It's a Chinese tradition where the parents are supposed to hold a big dinner party at a restaurant and invite all relatives to celebrate their child's one-month birthday.
Anyways, in the midst of the dinner, my niece needed a diaper change, so my sister asked me to help her out in the bathroom. As we were about to enter said bathroom, we bumped into our aunt who was just exiting. When we told her that we were going to the bathroom to change the baby, her face cringed up and she said: Just change the baby on a chair in the dining area, don't go to the bathroom. It's full of germs. Don't worry, nobody minds baby poop.
I would be be lying if I said I didn't panic at that. You see, my sister is completely new at this motherhood thing, so she really takes to heart whatever experienced moms tell her. My sister quietly muttered a "Oh, I see...I guess that makes sense" and slowly drifted back to the dining area.
I quickly spoke up and told my sister that people DO mind, that poop is poop, and the washroom is THE place to change a baby's diaper. My aunt glared at me like I just proclaimed the baby's death sentence or something. She kept telling me and my sister that baby poop is clean and bathrooms are dirty, so we are going to make the baby sick. But in the end I convinced my sister to change the baby's diaper in the bathroom (which went quite smoothly). Ugh....I don't get this whole "Everything about babies is clean and beautiful!" deal.
Another story related to my sister but unrelated to her baby:
We had a few friends over a couple days a go, and they brought their baby boy and a 6 year old daughter. After dinner, I went back to my room to do my own thing, until my sister knocked on my door. Apparently, the little girl was bored, so my sister wanted to borrow a few of my children storybooks to read to her. I did feel sorry for the kid, so I agreed to lend her a few books under the condition that the little girl doesn't bend, wrinkle, dirty, or harm the books in any way. At that, my sister got really offended. You think she got offended because I assumed they wouldn't treat my book with care? Nah. This was her reply: But kids like to touch and interact with storybooks. You are being unreasonable with this request. I told her that if she can't borrow my books without damaging them, then I won't be lending them any at all. My sister called me selfish, but did begrudgingly agree to my conditions, though she added "If the little girl feels sad because she's not allowed to touch the books, it's your fault. It's just a book anyways. I can just pay you back if it's damaged." Yeah, that's nice and all, except these books are from my childhood (most are over 15-20 years old), so they are irreplaceable in a lot of ways. In the end the books weren't harmed, but my sister made a big deal out of it. Like "see this wrinkle? It was there BEFORE you lent it to us, so don't blame me or the kid!" Yeah, thanks a lot sis.
So I attended my niece's "Full-moon dinner" yesterday. It's a Chinese tradition where the parents are supposed to hold a big dinner party at a restaurant and invite all relatives to celebrate their child's one-month birthday.
Anyways, in the midst of the dinner, my niece needed a diaper change, so my sister asked me to help her out in the bathroom. As we were about to enter said bathroom, we bumped into our aunt who was just exiting. When we told her that we were going to the bathroom to change the baby, her face cringed up and she said: Just change the baby on a chair in the dining area, don't go to the bathroom. It's full of germs. Don't worry, nobody minds baby poop.
I would be be lying if I said I didn't panic at that. You see, my sister is completely new at this motherhood thing, so she really takes to heart whatever experienced moms tell her. My sister quietly muttered a "Oh, I see...I guess that makes sense" and slowly drifted back to the dining area.
I quickly spoke up and told my sister that people DO mind, that poop is poop, and the washroom is THE place to change a baby's diaper. My aunt glared at me like I just proclaimed the baby's death sentence or something. She kept telling me and my sister that baby poop is clean and bathrooms are dirty, so we are going to make the baby sick. But in the end I convinced my sister to change the baby's diaper in the bathroom (which went quite smoothly). Ugh....I don't get this whole "Everything about babies is clean and beautiful!" deal.
Another story related to my sister but unrelated to her baby:
We had a few friends over a couple days a go, and they brought their baby boy and a 6 year old daughter. After dinner, I went back to my room to do my own thing, until my sister knocked on my door. Apparently, the little girl was bored, so my sister wanted to borrow a few of my children storybooks to read to her. I did feel sorry for the kid, so I agreed to lend her a few books under the condition that the little girl doesn't bend, wrinkle, dirty, or harm the books in any way. At that, my sister got really offended. You think she got offended because I assumed they wouldn't treat my book with care? Nah. This was her reply: But kids like to touch and interact with storybooks. You are being unreasonable with this request. I told her that if she can't borrow my books without damaging them, then I won't be lending them any at all. My sister called me selfish, but did begrudgingly agree to my conditions, though she added "If the little girl feels sad because she's not allowed to touch the books, it's your fault. It's just a book anyways. I can just pay you back if it's damaged." Yeah, that's nice and all, except these books are from my childhood (most are over 15-20 years old), so they are irreplaceable in a lot of ways. In the end the books weren't harmed, but my sister made a big deal out of it. Like "see this wrinkle? It was there BEFORE you lent it to us, so don't blame me or the kid!" Yeah, thanks a lot sis.
- Mood:
annoyed
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
