Asking here because trying to have this conversation with someone who is adamant that everyone capable should have kids will just make me grumpy. I need to find a level of understanding about this situation to try to offer some comfort to a friend and I've no earthly idea how to start because I simply can't understand the reasons behind the situation.
Why is it that someone months from giving birth would name the fetus/embryo? I don't mean using a generic term like "Peanut" or "Offspring", but the actual word that they want the child to answer to across a crowded room, before the child is present, or even viable as a separate life-form?
The situation that brings this up is actually quite sad to me, even though I personally can't have and don't want children. A friend of mine is what I would call "unduly" upset about her sister's recent miscarriage. (As in dropped everything, bought a ticket, and flew half way across the country when she got the news.) Now, this sister is in her early twenties and already has two children. This is her third that she recently lost, and clearly it was a wanted child, which is (I believe) the only kind we should be striving for as a world culture. But in my mind there's a huge difference between "My sister miscarried at 5.5 mo.," and "My darling baby niece went back to heaven 18 weeks before her birthday." (Actual Facebook post about the situation. There've been more than one.)
Without getting too deeply into the "Life begins at X" questions, how can someone get so attached to what is essentially the *idea* of a child? I'm just not wired for that, I guess, even though my personal religious beliefs include the potential for a spark of the Divine to be found in all things. And I've had 2 miscarriages, so I understand the hormonal changes the condition causes in the mother. But an aunt? This seems strange to me, and I wish I could think of something to say to M. that will express empathy. But I can't because in my mind being 5 months pregnant is not the same as being the parent or aunt of an already living and breathing child that you've held and cared for to some degree.
Regarding the naming of not-here-yet infants, how does one know that potential person well enough to name it and personify it? Wouldn't the destruction of that personification by the child's own innate personality change how the parent(s) feel and think about the child?
And why does this crap keep me awake when I have to be at work again in 6 hours? :/
Why is it that someone months from giving birth would name the fetus/embryo? I don't mean using a generic term like "Peanut" or "Offspring", but the actual word that they want the child to answer to across a crowded room, before the child is present, or even viable as a separate life-form?
The situation that brings this up is actually quite sad to me, even though I personally can't have and don't want children. A friend of mine is what I would call "unduly" upset about her sister's recent miscarriage. (As in dropped everything, bought a ticket, and flew half way across the country when she got the news.) Now, this sister is in her early twenties and already has two children. This is her third that she recently lost, and clearly it was a wanted child, which is (I believe) the only kind we should be striving for as a world culture. But in my mind there's a huge difference between "My sister miscarried at 5.5 mo.," and "My darling baby niece went back to heaven 18 weeks before her birthday." (Actual Facebook post about the situation. There've been more than one.)
Without getting too deeply into the "Life begins at X" questions, how can someone get so attached to what is essentially the *idea* of a child? I'm just not wired for that, I guess, even though my personal religious beliefs include the potential for a spark of the Divine to be found in all things. And I've had 2 miscarriages, so I understand the hormonal changes the condition causes in the mother. But an aunt? This seems strange to me, and I wish I could think of something to say to M. that will express empathy. But I can't because in my mind being 5 months pregnant is not the same as being the parent or aunt of an already living and breathing child that you've held and cared for to some degree.
Regarding the naming of not-here-yet infants, how does one know that potential person well enough to name it and personify it? Wouldn't the destruction of that personification by the child's own innate personality change how the parent(s) feel and think about the child?
And why does this crap keep me awake when I have to be at work again in 6 hours? :/
- Current Location:bed
- Current Mood:perplexed
- Current Music:Cosmos-- Neil DeGrasse Tyson
So, I attended a focus group last night. It was an interesting experience and I was glad I went-- I got something a lot different than I thought I was going for. I thought it was going to be market research for haircare products, like product evaluation or stuff about the branding but I remember there being questions in the screener about how you viewed your work and if it was part of your identity, etc. Turns out it was for a shampoo company who wants to launch a career mentoring program for women. (I legally can't say anything else haha.)
On the surface I think this is a wonderful idea.
But well....the execution, not so much.
I was the oldest one there at 29. And the only childfree attendee. The other women present aside from the two marketing execs leading the group was between 23-28. We represented a diverse group of industries and backgrounds and where we were in our careers (entry-level, mid-level, underemployed, fairly successful, and I represented one out of two business owners.) I was seriously the ONLY person there who didn't have this 5-year plan to either marry the man I'm with or find a man to marry, and pop out a baby.
That alone I wouldn't have had a problem with. What I didn't like was all the different ideas discussed in this group like how they wanted to advertise this mentoring program and they ALL centered around "work-life balance" and when you choose to have a baby, how you panic about keeping your job when you have a baby, and whatnot.
Don't get me wrong, these are legit issues in America and I think that we need more sensible public policy when it comes to motherhood, pregnancy discrimination, et al. And also, I look at how young my grandmother and female ancestors were when they had babies compared to my mother and most my friends' mothers: also an issue because of what jobs today demand and pay, whereas you could raise a family on one worker's income 70-80+ years ago. At 18-19.
I didn't get shit for declaring I'm childfree. But I made sure my voice was heard when I said it's problematic in turn that women are automatically equated as mothers and assumed that we ALL make this choice because it causes women to get passed over promotions and raises even if they don't want kids.
Even though I got drowned out by the "I want a baby no later than 32" and "I better be getting married next year!" drones.
I don't know if I have a future with my main squeeze. I'd love for him to be in it...but I consider it an amazing stroke of luck and an awesome bonus, not some acquisition or milestone I HAVE to hit to be considered successful. Fuck that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I really, really hate this whole perpetuation of the idea that all there is to life is just having a CAREER (not working a job just for the sake of having a paycheck...heaven forbid!), vying to snag a man and have kids, or attaining that mythical work-life balance which is impossible without a massive nationwide cultural shift in the workplace and implementation of sensible public policies. Nothing about hobbies and interests, politics and civics, charity and volunteerism? Nah, your only value is your economic value and value as an incubator apparently.
On the surface I think this is a wonderful idea.
But well....the execution, not so much.
I was the oldest one there at 29. And the only childfree attendee. The other women present aside from the two marketing execs leading the group was between 23-28. We represented a diverse group of industries and backgrounds and where we were in our careers (entry-level, mid-level, underemployed, fairly successful, and I represented one out of two business owners.) I was seriously the ONLY person there who didn't have this 5-year plan to either marry the man I'm with or find a man to marry, and pop out a baby.
That alone I wouldn't have had a problem with. What I didn't like was all the different ideas discussed in this group like how they wanted to advertise this mentoring program and they ALL centered around "work-life balance" and when you choose to have a baby, how you panic about keeping your job when you have a baby, and whatnot.
Don't get me wrong, these are legit issues in America and I think that we need more sensible public policy when it comes to motherhood, pregnancy discrimination, et al. And also, I look at how young my grandmother and female ancestors were when they had babies compared to my mother and most my friends' mothers: also an issue because of what jobs today demand and pay, whereas you could raise a family on one worker's income 70-80+ years ago. At 18-19.
I didn't get shit for declaring I'm childfree. But I made sure my voice was heard when I said it's problematic in turn that women are automatically equated as mothers and assumed that we ALL make this choice because it causes women to get passed over promotions and raises even if they don't want kids.
Even though I got drowned out by the "I want a baby no later than 32" and "I better be getting married next year!" drones.
I don't know if I have a future with my main squeeze. I'd love for him to be in it...but I consider it an amazing stroke of luck and an awesome bonus, not some acquisition or milestone I HAVE to hit to be considered successful. Fuck that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I really, really hate this whole perpetuation of the idea that all there is to life is just having a CAREER (not working a job just for the sake of having a paycheck...heaven forbid!), vying to snag a man and have kids, or attaining that mythical work-life balance which is impossible without a massive nationwide cultural shift in the workplace and implementation of sensible public policies. Nothing about hobbies and interests, politics and civics, charity and volunteerism? Nah, your only value is your economic value and value as an incubator apparently.
Hey everyone, so recently I came out to my mother as Childfree. This came up in a conversation, where after my little sister complained about me to her ( I have plenty of stories about her believe me) and mom said she felt bad for my future kids. Thats when I told her straight out,that I'm not having them. She actually took it rather well, which I thought was really nice. My fifteen year old sister (not the same one I mentioned earlier) was then going on about how I was letting our mom down, that now she's going to have to be the first one to give grandkids, etc.
( Read more...Collapse )The best part though, comes from my aunts. That weekend we went to go see relatives, and my mom told them what I'd said. My aunts quickly went on about how, they wished the kids (my cousins) would just grow up and make babies, because its been so long since they've held a baby. They were also going on about how one of my other cousins was impatient, but how she's now an amazing mom and that it'll be different when I have my own. Honestly though, after having to get my youngest sister ready for school, being forced to help her with homework, and having to deal with their tantrums, I think I'm good. I'm just worried about telling my dad though...and my grandmas.
( Read more...Collapse )The best part though, comes from my aunts. That weekend we went to go see relatives, and my mom told them what I'd said. My aunts quickly went on about how, they wished the kids (my cousins) would just grow up and make babies, because its been so long since they've held a baby. They were also going on about how one of my other cousins was impatient, but how she's now an amazing mom and that it'll be different when I have my own. Honestly though, after having to get my youngest sister ready for school, being forced to help her with homework, and having to deal with their tantrums, I think I'm good. I'm just worried about telling my dad though...and my grandmas.
- Current Mood:
annoyed
Ugh, I just saw my first "so-and-so for President in 2016" ad, and it was Rand Paul getting all foamy at the mouth about how "life begins at conception". This is going to be a loooong couple of years.
I know what I'm asking for Christmas, cause who doesn't like pandas right ;)
"Never Getting Pregnant" t-shirt :D
"Never Getting Pregnant" t-shirt :D
- Current Mood:
amused
I came across a mother's blog about her four-year-old daughter asking mom why daughter's friend always gets to go to Chuck E. Cheese and not daughter and the mom tells the reader she tries to avoid the kid-themed restaurants because of the kids that eat there. I recalled horror stories about parents and kids at upscale restaurants. Some parents don't want to go to kid-themed restaurants where they have to tolerate other people's children while dealing with their own. So! Those parents must prefer taking their kids to a fine dining establishment that isn't ovewhelmed by other people's kids and instead they're cozily surrounded by many quiet and mature adults.
- Current Mood:
productive
It's been a long time since I've been active here - I kinda dropped LJ after the Strikethrough fiasco a long time on back, and I've been kinda inactive on LJ-type journals for a long time now. Most of my writing goes on my blogspot which covers my new life with metastatic (stage IV) breast cancer.
But something happened that I just had to bitch about.
I'm in several breast cancer groups on Facebook. Most of them are metastatic-focused (Stage IV), but I'm in a very large one that's open to all stages. Someone just posted a bunch of pictures of their now-4 year old grandson on the all-stages group. It wasn't even presented in a way that makes it slightly topical (e.g., "I survived to see his 4th birthday!") it was just "This is my grandson, today is his birthday, wish him happy birthday". Almighty, lady, don't you have a personal FB wall for that shit? What the hell does this have to do with breast cancer? You didn't even try to make it on-topic. You're just attention-whoring for a kid who's likely too young to read and won't appreciate a bunch of "Happy Birthday" comments from strangers. It's for you showing off that your sprog sprogged. I understand you're a proud grandma, but ffs, this is a breast cancer group, not "show off your sproglets" group. If you absolutely must share, at least take the effort to present it in on-topic terms.
( Screenshot behind cutCollapse )
The worst part is there were over a hundred comments, all with variations of happy birthday, and the OP later made another separate post to thank people for wishing her sprog's sprog a happy birthday. Quit spamming the group with shit about your grandkid! If you absolutely must, at least make it topical by talking about YOUR breast cancer, your stage, your point in treatment, and whether sproglet was born when you were diagnosed or not! I still don't like those posts, but they are least try to be somewhat on topic.

But something happened that I just had to bitch about.
I'm in several breast cancer groups on Facebook. Most of them are metastatic-focused (Stage IV), but I'm in a very large one that's open to all stages. Someone just posted a bunch of pictures of their now-4 year old grandson on the all-stages group. It wasn't even presented in a way that makes it slightly topical (e.g., "I survived to see his 4th birthday!") it was just "This is my grandson, today is his birthday, wish him happy birthday". Almighty, lady, don't you have a personal FB wall for that shit? What the hell does this have to do with breast cancer? You didn't even try to make it on-topic. You're just attention-whoring for a kid who's likely too young to read and won't appreciate a bunch of "Happy Birthday" comments from strangers. It's for you showing off that your sprog sprogged. I understand you're a proud grandma, but ffs, this is a breast cancer group, not "show off your sproglets" group. If you absolutely must share, at least take the effort to present it in on-topic terms.
( Screenshot behind cutCollapse )
The worst part is there were over a hundred comments, all with variations of happy birthday, and the OP later made another separate post to thank people for wishing her sprog's sprog a happy birthday. Quit spamming the group with shit about your grandkid! If you absolutely must, at least make it topical by talking about YOUR breast cancer, your stage, your point in treatment, and whether sproglet was born when you were diagnosed or not! I still don't like those posts, but they are least try to be somewhat on topic.

So, I work in video games. I have my own business. I'm happy to say we're doing alright now, but we got a ways to go yet. I had been bootstrapping the company with a financial industry job until I lost it in April, then I decided not to return since I had enough savings and unstable contract work (teaching and writing gigs) coming in coupled with low overhead that I didn't need to go back to the 9-5 world.
So I find this article on Gamasutra when cruising for the latest industry news over my morning coffee, reprinted from IGDA on their stat that 70% of their membership does not have kids (Int'l Game Developers Association. I'll put the article text below the cut for the link-phobic.) The comments in the article made me facepalm a little. Some of them DO make good points, like avoiding the death spiral of working from home and making yourself put in demonic amounts of hours when you have no one to stop you-- I'm SO guilty of that shit-- but I notice that the author discusses being an employee, NOT an entrepreneur even though he talks about entrepreneurship. They are not one in the same!!!!
Notice too that the author is male, as are the commenters.
So...my perspective on this matter is different as
A) a woman
B) someone who actually owns a business in the gaming industry
C) someone who has been through severe economic upheaval on the business and personal levels
and D) Has been in the industry long enough to know just how brutal it is-- for employees and entrepreneurs.
I think they need to narrow it down and say "Can you have *a job* in the gaming industry and still have work-life balance?" Because let me tell you, starting a video game company if you have a family is one of the single-most irresponsible things you can do unless you already have Tim Schafer or Richard Garriott handing you millions of dollars out of the gate. And even then, I'd say it's irresponsible unless you have net worth of the Walton family or some shit because projects can always run dry, get cancelled, or have limp sales after release. Hell, taking any kind of major entrepreneurial risk if you already have kids or plan to have them soon is a bad idea-- but 2000% more in gaming because of the lopsided cash flow where you can go months, even years, before you see any money from a completed game.
Because there were times when my company was skating on such thin ice as a result of flaky workers, contracts that came through months after we anticipated they would, opportunities that got yanked off the table right after they arrived-- and all while I was bootstrapping it with another job. My business partner and I invested nearly $70K of our own savings over the years. We were only able to do so on account of our low overhead (neither of us has debt, he still lives with family, I got rent control) there is simply no way in hell we could've done what we did in terms of time and money if either of us had children! You don't have the freedom to take economic risk like that if you're responsible for kids.
And there's also so many times that contractors totally flaked on jobs because of family obligations. We've burned so much cash as a result and it's infuriating. And I mention the gender differences because video games are still a male-dominated industry and even though there are stay-at-home dads becoming game developers and smaller companies with more liberal outlooks-- I know a lot of women in the field who got asked very personal and invasive questions about whether they planned to start families and that it would interfere with crunch. The men did not get asked this. Even though EVERY worker who ever flaked on my company, bailing with thousands of dollars for unfinished work, WAS A MAN. But gee, only women ever get asked by other businesses whether or not their carting around a 9-pound meatloaf for almost a year will interrupt work.
But society still upholds this "woman = mother" bullshit and the gaming industry is no exception. Given that women are also held to a much higher standard when it comes to childrearing-- I think it's very easy for these guys to come out and say "Of course it's easy to attain work-life balance if you have a family!" Because even notice that despite how the author's wife works outside the home, she magically still holds the majority of child-rearing responsibilities!
I just barfed with rage when I read this. And I want to comment except my Gamasutra account has my real name on it and I've become fairly well-known in the industry...and don't want to raise a stink. :/
But I'm curious for your opinions, be you in or outside of the gaming industry. I chose to own my business and I knew how much backbreaking labor was involved and how risky it would be: and there were times I could barely keep a roof over my head because we had to pay people. When it comes to employees, I don't think there should be a "live to work" mentality for ANY industry-- but since the author is treating working as an employee and owning a games company as one in the same, I have to facepalm.
Oh, and the punchline-- even work as an employee isn't secure. A lot of small studios frequently get swallowed by bigger studios, or die out from lack of managerial experience. And big studios love to fire large blocs of employees at random every quarter to boost the stock price and keep the C suite happy. So...if you're looking to the games industry for a nice stable job to raise a family with, I will say it's not impossible but it will be fairly difficult.
All up though, I think that if you want to go indie and are doing so with a family in tow, you're being insanely irresponsible...but then again it's so easy to say "it can be done!" when someone else is raising said children. Arrrgh ragebarf and I'm not even done with my coffee yet.
( Article text below the cutCollapse )
So I find this article on Gamasutra when cruising for the latest industry news over my morning coffee, reprinted from IGDA on their stat that 70% of their membership does not have kids (Int'l Game Developers Association. I'll put the article text below the cut for the link-phobic.) The comments in the article made me facepalm a little. Some of them DO make good points, like avoiding the death spiral of working from home and making yourself put in demonic amounts of hours when you have no one to stop you-- I'm SO guilty of that shit-- but I notice that the author discusses being an employee, NOT an entrepreneur even though he talks about entrepreneurship. They are not one in the same!!!!
Notice too that the author is male, as are the commenters.
So...my perspective on this matter is different as
A) a woman
B) someone who actually owns a business in the gaming industry
C) someone who has been through severe economic upheaval on the business and personal levels
and D) Has been in the industry long enough to know just how brutal it is-- for employees and entrepreneurs.
I think they need to narrow it down and say "Can you have *a job* in the gaming industry and still have work-life balance?" Because let me tell you, starting a video game company if you have a family is one of the single-most irresponsible things you can do unless you already have Tim Schafer or Richard Garriott handing you millions of dollars out of the gate. And even then, I'd say it's irresponsible unless you have net worth of the Walton family or some shit because projects can always run dry, get cancelled, or have limp sales after release. Hell, taking any kind of major entrepreneurial risk if you already have kids or plan to have them soon is a bad idea-- but 2000% more in gaming because of the lopsided cash flow where you can go months, even years, before you see any money from a completed game.
Because there were times when my company was skating on such thin ice as a result of flaky workers, contracts that came through months after we anticipated they would, opportunities that got yanked off the table right after they arrived-- and all while I was bootstrapping it with another job. My business partner and I invested nearly $70K of our own savings over the years. We were only able to do so on account of our low overhead (neither of us has debt, he still lives with family, I got rent control) there is simply no way in hell we could've done what we did in terms of time and money if either of us had children! You don't have the freedom to take economic risk like that if you're responsible for kids.
And there's also so many times that contractors totally flaked on jobs because of family obligations. We've burned so much cash as a result and it's infuriating. And I mention the gender differences because video games are still a male-dominated industry and even though there are stay-at-home dads becoming game developers and smaller companies with more liberal outlooks-- I know a lot of women in the field who got asked very personal and invasive questions about whether they planned to start families and that it would interfere with crunch. The men did not get asked this. Even though EVERY worker who ever flaked on my company, bailing with thousands of dollars for unfinished work, WAS A MAN. But gee, only women ever get asked by other businesses whether or not their carting around a 9-pound meatloaf for almost a year will interrupt work.
But society still upholds this "woman = mother" bullshit and the gaming industry is no exception. Given that women are also held to a much higher standard when it comes to childrearing-- I think it's very easy for these guys to come out and say "Of course it's easy to attain work-life balance if you have a family!" Because even notice that despite how the author's wife works outside the home, she magically still holds the majority of child-rearing responsibilities!
I just barfed with rage when I read this. And I want to comment except my Gamasutra account has my real name on it and I've become fairly well-known in the industry...and don't want to raise a stink. :/
But I'm curious for your opinions, be you in or outside of the gaming industry. I chose to own my business and I knew how much backbreaking labor was involved and how risky it would be: and there were times I could barely keep a roof over my head because we had to pay people. When it comes to employees, I don't think there should be a "live to work" mentality for ANY industry-- but since the author is treating working as an employee and owning a games company as one in the same, I have to facepalm.
Oh, and the punchline-- even work as an employee isn't secure. A lot of small studios frequently get swallowed by bigger studios, or die out from lack of managerial experience. And big studios love to fire large blocs of employees at random every quarter to boost the stock price and keep the C suite happy. So...if you're looking to the games industry for a nice stable job to raise a family with, I will say it's not impossible but it will be fairly difficult.
All up though, I think that if you want to go indie and are doing so with a family in tow, you're being insanely irresponsible...but then again it's so easy to say "it can be done!" when someone else is raising said children. Arrrgh ragebarf and I'm not even done with my coffee yet.
( Article text below the cutCollapse )
Hey childfree peeps! Loooong time no see. I've mostly been on another forum as of late...but man, do I have some CF gripes I really need to get out to a crowd that gets it.
Like I just need to rant about screaming kids for a sec. Holy shit I am so tired of listening to the screaming kids in and around this building. I live across the street from a public school, and there's many other schools down the block. I'm just tired of listening to these little hellions scream all the damn time!!! For most childfree folk, the kids going back to school in the fall is a time of respite. Not for me. :/ Summers mean I could actually get up without the blare of the crossing guards' whistles, the multitude of people who can't drive for shit blocking up the street dropping off their kids, and the buses that are basically very loud sardine cans.
It doesn't help matters any that I work from home, and have had no choice for now while I wait to gather the funds for a new laptop that would enable me to work elsewhere since my netbook just fucking died, and I'm not only stuck listening to the above from outdoors but there's a bunch of families in this building who don't fucking watch their kids and I also have to constantly listen to screaming toddlers and it's driving me fucking apeshit.
Then I charged my phone and tried to do some work that I could handle from Gmail and Drive out at a cafe down the block...just to be stuck next to another infant that sounded like a pterodactyl imitating Mariah Carey while stuck in a Cuisinart.
Whoever opens a childfree coffee shop that has some nice eats and stable Wifi WILL MAKE A KILLING.
Like I just need to rant about screaming kids for a sec. Holy shit I am so tired of listening to the screaming kids in and around this building. I live across the street from a public school, and there's many other schools down the block. I'm just tired of listening to these little hellions scream all the damn time!!! For most childfree folk, the kids going back to school in the fall is a time of respite. Not for me. :/ Summers mean I could actually get up without the blare of the crossing guards' whistles, the multitude of people who can't drive for shit blocking up the street dropping off their kids, and the buses that are basically very loud sardine cans.
It doesn't help matters any that I work from home, and have had no choice for now while I wait to gather the funds for a new laptop that would enable me to work elsewhere since my netbook just fucking died, and I'm not only stuck listening to the above from outdoors but there's a bunch of families in this building who don't fucking watch their kids and I also have to constantly listen to screaming toddlers and it's driving me fucking apeshit.
Then I charged my phone and tried to do some work that I could handle from Gmail and Drive out at a cafe down the block...just to be stuck next to another infant that sounded like a pterodactyl imitating Mariah Carey while stuck in a Cuisinart.
Whoever opens a childfree coffee shop that has some nice eats and stable Wifi WILL MAKE A KILLING.
This article appeared on a friend's FB feed. It's not exactly Childfree, but I thought it was interesting.
Quartz: How American Parenting is Killing the American Marriage
For the link phobic, the article is under the cut:
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Quartz: How American Parenting is Killing the American Marriage
For the link phobic, the article is under the cut:
( Read more...Collapse )


